Bush Bulge: Conspiracy theory until you see the footage
by : Charlie Brooker
Monday October 25, 2004 - 00:43
Charlie Brooker Saturday October 23, 2004 The Guardian
Heady times. The US election draws ever nearer, and while the rest of the world bangs its head against the floorboards screaming "Please God, not Bush!", the candidates clash head to head in a series of live televised debates. It’s a bit like American Idol, but with terrifying global ramifications. You’ve got to laugh.
Or have you? Have you seen the debates? I urge you to do so. The exemplary BBC News website (www.bbc.co.uk/news) hosts unexpurgated streaming footage of all the recent debates, plus clips from previous encounters, through Reagan and Carter, all the way back to Nixon versus JFK.
Watching Bush v Kerry, two things immediately strike you. First, the opening explanation of the rules makes the whole thing feel like a Radio 4 parlour game. And second, George W Bush is... well, he’s... Jesus, where do you start?
The internet’s a-buzz with speculation that Bush has been wearing a wire, receiving help from some off-stage lackey. Screen grabs appearing to show a mysterious bulge in the centre of his back are being traded like Top Trumps. Prior to seeing the debate footage, I regarded this with healthy scepticism: the whole "wire" scandal was just wishful thinking on behalf of some amateur Michael Moores, I figured. And then I watched the footage.
Quite frankly, the man’s either wired or mad. If it’s the former, he should be flung out of office: tarred, feathered and kicked in the nuts. And if it’s the latter, his behaviour goes beyond strange, and heads toward terrifying. He looks like he’s listening to something we can’t hear. He blinks, he mumbles, he lets a sentence trail off, starts a new one, then reverts back to whatever he was saying in the first place. Each time he recalls a statistic (either from memory or the voice in his head), he flashes us a dumb little smile, like a toddler proudly showing off its first bowel movement. Forgive me for employing the language of the playground, but the man’s a tool.
So I sit there and I watch this and I start scratching my head, because I’m trying to work out why Bush is afforded any kind of credence or respect whatsoever in his native country. His performance is so transparently bizarre, so feeble and stumbling, it’s a miracle he wasn’t laughed off the stage. And then I start hunting around the internet, looking to see what the US media made of the whole "wire" debate. And they just let it die. They mentioned it in passing, called it a wacko conspiracy theory and moved on.
Yet whether it turns out to be true or not, right now it’s certainly plausible - even if you discount the bulge photos and simply watch the president’s ridiculous smirking face. Perhaps he isn’t wired. Perhaps he’s just gone gaga. If you don’t ask the questions, you’ll never know the truth.
The silence is all the more troubling since in the past the US news media has had no problem at all covering other wacko conspiracy theories, ones with far less evidence to support them. (For infuriating confirmation of this, watch the second part of the must-see documentary series The Power Of Nightmares (Wed, 9pm, BBC2) and witness the absurd hounding of Bill Clinton over the Whitewater and Vince Foster non-scandals.)
Throughout the debate, John Kerry, for his part, looks and sounds a bit like a haunted tree. But at least he’s not a lying, sniggering, drink-driving, selfish, reckless, ignorant, dangerous, backward, drooling, twitching, blinking, mouse-faced little cheat. And besides, in a fight between a tree and a bush, I know who I’d favour.
On November 2, the entire civilised world will be praying, praying Bush loses. And Sod’s law dictates he’ll probably win, thereby disproving the existence of God once and for all. The world will endure four more years of idiocy, arrogance and unwarranted bloodshed, with no benevolent deity to watch over and save us. John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, John Hinckley Jr - where are you now that we need you?
THE UNFORGIVABLE EVIL
Saturday 25 - 01:55by David R. Hoffman, Legal Editor of Pravda.Report
Trump repeal of the Affordable Care Act will kill 43,000 Americans over 8 years
Saturday 18 - 00:32by Dr Gideon Polya
Free university education - tertiary education can and should be free for all
Thursday 9 - 06:29by Dr Gideon Polya
QUOTING AMERICA’S FOUNDING FATHERS ON IMMIGRATION OR ANYTHING
Tuesday 7 - 18:51by JOHN CHUCKMAN
THE POINTLESS ARGUMENT OVER WHO WAS FIRST IN THE HOLY LAND
Tuesday 7 - 18:49by JOHN CHUCKMAN
YES OBAMA IS RESPONSIBLE FOR CRIMEA AND THE MESS IN UKRAINE
Tuesday 7 - 18:48by JOHN CHUCKMAN
8th. March -----The Modi-fied International Women’s Day In Gujarat
Tuesday 7 - 15:20by Dwarika Nath Rath
ON THE GREAT MYSTERY OF INTENSE HOSTILITY TOWARDS LIBERALS IN AMERICA - OBAMA
Monday 6 - 19:30by JOHN CHUCKMAN
EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT PRESS BIAS, FAKE NEWS, DISHONEST JOURNALISM
Sunday 26 - 17:52by JOHN CHUCKMAN
TWO STATES OR ONE STATE? THE STARK REALITY IS THAT BOTH SOLUTIONS ARE IMPOSSIBL
Wednesday 22 - 18:16by JOHN CHUCKMAN
Open Letter to Australian MPs re Apartheid Israel PM Netanyahu’s Australia visit
Tuesday 21 - 00:18by Dr Gideon Polya
How Eric Arnoux and Fabrice Molinaro target the First Ammendment
Thursday 9 - 18:40by Billy1975
THE CHANCE FOR GREATNESS, BUT IT IS SO EASILY LOST
Saturday 28 - 20:19by JOHN CHUCKMAN
TRUMP: AMERICA’S HITLER
Saturday 28 - 04:07by David R. Hoffman
LUNATIC EXCESSES IN THE WASHINGTON MARCH - WHILE IGNORING MASS MURDER
Monday 23 - 19:19by JOHN CHUCKMAN
JOHN CHUCKMAN COMMENT: EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THE SO-CALLED DOSSIER
Monday 16 - 15:08by JOHN CHUCKMAN
The Rotten Apple in The Prince’s Crown
Friday 13 - 18:44by RegisFranck
Christophe Mazurier takes part in the Hero World Challenge
Friday 13 - 11:43
OF WIZARDS AND WASHINGTON AND THE DREARY, UNRELENTING REALITY OF AMERICAN POLITI
Thursday 12 - 15:01by JOHN CHUCKMAN
A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY
Monday 9 - 06:23by David R. Hoffman, Legal Editor of Pravda.Ru
Judah Ben Hur, Amb. Republican Candidate for President 2020
Sunday 8 - 15:00by Judah Ben Hur, Amb. Republican Candidate for President 2020
DARK DAY DEMOCRACY: THE ACCIDENTAL PRESIDENT
Saturday 7 - 21:41by JACK RANDOM
President Donald Trump and Ambassador Judah Ben Hur
Saturday 7 - 15:04by President Donald Trump and Ambassador Judah Ben Hur
THE INSANE CIRCUS NOW GOING ON IN WASHINGTON – A SAD PARODY OF JOSEPH MCCARTHY
Friday 6 - 17:15by JOHN CHUCKMAN
The New Cultural Frontier as shown by Christophe Mazurier
Tuesday 27 - 14:29
UN Security Council Resolution 2334 – Beginning Of The End For Apartheid Israel?
Monday 26 - 23:37by Dr Gideon Polya
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT...A CONTEMPORARY CHRISTMAS TALE
Saturday 24 - 18:00by JOHN CHUCKMAN
Judicially arraign, try and punish climate criminals for 10 million deaths pa
Thursday 22 - 20:02by Dr Gideon Polya
Australia: the social cost of a cashless economy
Thursday 8 - 18:25by Sarah Jenkins
THE PROFOUND DISAPPOINTMENT OF ANGELA MERKEL
Monday 5 - 17:24by JOHN CHUCKMAN
Modern slaves rebel in rural South Africa and win!
Sunday 27 - 19:18by md
Arrivederci Fidel !!! Hasta la victoria siempre companero !!! (video)
Saturday 26 - 10:48by Roberto Ferrario
INDIANA: STATE OF SADISTIC COWARDICE
Tuesday 22 - 21:26by David R. Hoffman, Legal Editor of Pravda.Ru
Pro-Zionist Leonard Cohen (1934-2016) & Apartheid Israel’s Palestinian Genocide
Thursday 17 - 00:28by Dr Gideon Polya
Now We Can Finally Get to Work
Sunday 13 - 21:09by David Swanson
AMERICA’S DESCENT INTO FASCISM
Thursday 10 - 23:40by David R. Hoffman, Legal Editor of Pravda.Ru
WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS ELECTION?
Thursday 10 - 21:28by JOHN CHUCKMAN
Yves Bouvier case shows risks of media abuse
Sunday 6 - 19:56by Bob Boulder
Humane Green Party Dr Jill Stein versus serial war criminal Hillary Clinton
Friday 4 - 21:00by Gideon Polya
Public Apology to Women of the World from The American Republic (Hypatia of Alex
Monday 31 - 15:21by Willam Morgan