Terrorist Watch List Working Splendidly

(Shameless self-promotion; satirical newspaper article)

New Washington, D.C. - The Empire has finally succeeded in its long term endeavor to improve the thoroughness of the Terrorist Watch List, “The List” now contains 301 million names, which is more than the total number of citizens in the Empire. “The List” now includes every citizen, and then some. No longer can freeloaders in our glorious Empire escape the security enhancing, character building groping and cavity searches at airports, train stations, bus depots, and supermarkets.

“The List” began modestly enough in 2001 with a mere 50,000 names of well known terrorists, including all those made famous by having their visages depicted on a deck of playing cards. Then by diligently increasing the number of names on “The List” by over 50% a year for the last 20 years, we have finally arrived at this celebrated day when every one of the Empire’s 300 million citizens can breathe a sigh of relief, comforted by the knowledge that their government is looking after them.

Hoping to quell concern that the ever expanding Terrorist Watch List was an indication that the Empire was becoming tyrannical, Emperor Bush VI said, “The Watch List is a necessary tool for preventing the childrens of terrorists from growing up to become terrorists, because as we know, childrens do learn.”

The Empire’s new goal is to enlarge the list to include all the terrorists outside this glorious Empire as well. To achieve this goal within the stated 20 year time frame, the Empire merely needs to increase the number of names on “The List” by 17% per year. It’s a safe bet that within 20 years, all 6.6 billion terrorists in the world will be on “The List.” Then we’ll all be able to sleep better at night, thanks to our glorious Emperor.

– http://home.earthlink.net/ ian_magnussen/ImperialTimes