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Petri Dish Culture

by Open-Publishing - Tuesday 30 November 2004
3 comments

Edito Parties USA Wayne Besen


by Wayne Besen

By now, most people have been sickened by the brawl involving the Indiana Pacers,
Detroit Pistons and the drunken hooligans that pose as Piston’s basketball fans.
We looked on in horror as muscle-bound Pacer’s star Ron Artest leapt into the
stands - followed by a few of his teammates - to attack terrified basketball
buffs after he was hit by a cup of beer. We watched in dismay as the scene escalated
into violent chaos and mayhem.

Appropriately, National Basketball Association Commissioner David Stern suspended several players and kicked Artest out of the league for the remainder of the season. Although it is admirable that this alarming incident has been used to reexamine society, it is unfortunate that conservatives have exploited the fight.

“This is the hip-hop culture on parade,” Rush Limbaugh coughed up on his radio show. “This is gang behavior on parade minus the guns. That’s the culture that the NBA has become.”

The subtext of Limbaugh’s message is that conservatives and their celebrated “values” are the answer to saving society. But the truth is, right wing conservatives are not the solution - they are part of the problem.

Precisely what conservative lessons do Limbaugh and others of his ilk believe they can impart? Based upon their behavior, here is what a conservative values-based curriculum might teach:

English: First, Dan Quayle will prepare students for the spelling bee, followed by Prof. George W. Bush’s grammar class. At the end of the semester, Head Master Dick Cheney will teach kids how to tell a cardboard cutout of Vermont Sen. Pat Leahy to F*******.

Ethics: Tom Delay will instruct your children in the skill of changing the rules to make sure they can succeed even if they are indicted. After all, you can’t break the rules, if you make the rules!

Math: Liberal professors spend too much time on mathematical theory. What’s the point? Seen a rhombus lately? Values guru Bill Bennett will take your children out of the Ivory Tower and into the casino where they can learn “the virtue” of how to run numbers with the best of them. This is practical math at its finest.

History: Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich will guide you though through the evolution of the Electoral Map. Well, not evolution - that’s a bad word. Newtie will teach how after Alabama’s racist Gov. George Wallace left the Democratic Party to become a Dixiecrat, the majority of voters in southern states followed him out of the party. Learn the nice euphemism for this race-based electoral switcheroo: “Red States”.

Physical Education: We offer P.E. with our token conservative Democrat Zell Miller. He’ll guide your budding conservative progeny on the finer points of dueling. The semester will end with California Gov. Schwarzenegger teaching the gymnastics of how to slaughter countless people as a Terminator and still be the darling of conservatives who abhor Hollywood violence.

Industrial Technology: In case your son is ever accused of having his hands on a campaign aide during his political campaign, Prof. Gary Bauer will take the hands on approach and show him how to replace the wooden door to the campaign office with a glass door.

Marriage and Family: Culture warriors Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh and Bob Barr will tag-team lecture on the minefield of Third Marriages. They will answer pertinent questions like, “Is it OK for the third bride to wear white?”

Health: Rush Limbaugh will teach your kids how to bash evil drug addicts while high on Percoset. He will impart the skill of “Dr. Shopping” to make sure you always have the prescriptions you need.

Business: Prof. Kenneth Lay will teach the art of bankrupting a company and landing with a golden parachute.

Law: Learn how to settle a lurid sexual harassment suit out of court with Prof. Bill O’Reilly. Then, anti-activist Judge Roy Moore will teach your kids how to respect the law by explaining how they too can place a two-ton replica of the Ten Commandments in a courthouse and then refuse a court order to take it down.

Bible: Trinity Broadcasting Network’s (TBN) founder Paul Crouch will school your children the heavenly hypocrisy of starting an evangelical empire that condemns homosexuality while having an alleged gay affair with your employee.

Computers: Republican National Field Director Dan Gurley will teach your child that just because something is on the Internet, does not mean it’s private. Gurley will show you how his Internet profile trolling for unsafe sex proved embarrassing with the abstinence-only crowd.

It is evident by looking at this curriculum, that only when conservative culture stops growing in a petri dish have they earned the right to lecture the rest of us. Until then, I suggest they take a long look at the conservative culture they’ve cultivated. They will find it looks a lot like the one they piously preach against.

http://www.outletradio.com/besen/archives/001311.php

Forum posts

  • So Wayne, what you’re saying is that Artest’s behavior (and anyone else’s mistakes, I assume) can only be criticized by someone who is holy and sinless? How do the alleged sins of all those you trashed change the hip-hop culture and the animalistic vermin-like behavior of Artest and his "homies"? You were searching for something to write about this week and took the easy route of bashing conservatives. Maybe next week you can come up with something original.

  • As soon as I saw the replay of Artest charging into the stands and Jermaine sucker punching the fan who was on his knees I thought, "This has got to be George Bush’s fault." You article does help me see why Cheney would think that he could best communicate to a liberal by using single syllable words.

  • Contrary to what you may think, conservatives do not mind the exposing of hypocritical or inconsistent behavior on the part of those asserting those values, so long as it is done truthfully, and without bias. When conservatives learned along with the rest of the world that the values teacher was also a gambler, we were saddened, but not defensive to the point of denying this kind of thing — especially by those in leadership — is not to be condoned. However, nothing about what they have done causes us to concede any of our values. Leaders often fail. They are human. Some claim to be one thing and are truly something else. This does not mean that morals and ethics are a fraud, or that they do not produce true goodness. Conservatives do not mind the honest and open inquiry of the press or anyone. Two Bible verses come to mind, one abour hypocrisy — "There is nothing hidden that shall not be revealed." The other is the Biblical standard for news reporting, as spoken by Jesus Christ Himself: "Go and tell what you have both seen and heard" — nothing less and nothing more.