Home > Stephen Colbert Speaks Truth to Power at the White House Correspondent’s dinner

Stephen Colbert Speaks Truth to Power at the White House Correspondent’s dinner

by Open-Publishing - Sunday 30 April 2006
29 comments

Media-Network Governments USA

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I’ve been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bullet proof S.U.V.’S out front, could you please move them. They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.’S and they need to get out.

Wow, wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents’ dinner. To just sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what; I’m a pretty sound sleeper that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face.

Is he really not here tonight? The one guy who could have helped. By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything at their tables, speak slowly and clearly on into your table numbers and somebody from the N.S.A. Will be right over with a cocktail. Mrs. Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps,

Mr. President and first lady, my name is Stephen Colbert and it’s my privilege tonight to celebrate our president. He’s no so different, he and I. We get it. We’re not brain backs on the nerd patrol. We’re not members of the fact (police). We go straight from the gut, right sir? That’s where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say I did look it up, and that’s not true. That’s but you looked it up in a book.

Next time look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that’s how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, ok? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the no fact zone. Fox news, I own the copyright on that term.

I’m a simple man with a simple mind, with a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists.

My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how “The Washington Post" spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out in plastic for three cents a unit.

In fact, ambassador, welcome, your great country makes our happy meals possible. I said it’s a celebration. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least.

And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be it Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe our infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe its yogurt. But I refuse to believe it’s not butter. Most of all I believe in this president.

Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us; we don’t pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

So, Mr. President, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass — it’s important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means its 2/3 empty. There’s still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn’t drink it. The last third is usually backwash. Folks, my point are that I don’t believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull, before a comeback.

I mean, it’s like the movie “Rocky." The president is Rocky and Apollo Creed is everything else in the world. It’s the 10th round. He’s bloodied, his corner man, Mick, who in this case would be the vice president, and he’s yelling cut me, dick, cut me, and every time he falls she say stay down! Does he stay down? No. Like rocky he gets back up and in the end he — actually loses in the first movie.

Ok. It doesn’t matter. The point is the heart warming story of a man who was repeatedly bunched in the face — punched in the face. So don’t pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he’s not doing? Think about it.

I haven’t. I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, has he stood on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.

Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he’s down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He’s trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite powered car.

And I just like the guy. He’s a good Joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She’s a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma’am.

I’m sorry, but this reading initiative. I’ve never been a fan of books. I don’t trust them. They’re all fact, no heart. I mean, they’re elitist telling us what is or isn’t true, what did or didn’t happen. What’s Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that’s my right as an American. I’m with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.

The greatest thing about this man is he’s steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday, that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change, this man’s beliefs never will. And as excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of fox news.

Fox News gives you sides of every story, the president’s side and the vice president’s side.

>> But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on N.S.A. Wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason, they’re super depressing.

>> And if that’s your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good over tax cuts, W.M.D. Intelligence, the affect of global warms. We Americans didn’t want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.

But, listen, let’s review the rules. Here’s how it works. The president makes decisions, he’s the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Put them through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know fiction.

>> Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the white house has personnel changes. Then you write they’re just rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic. First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This ships not sinking.

This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on The Hindenburg...

>> Now, it’s not all bad guys out there. Some heroes, Buckley, Kim Schieffer. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be to my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is I promise you. How is Tuesday...tonight?

General Mosley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace. They still support Rumsfeld. You guys aren’t retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld. Look, by the way, I’ve got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble, don’t let them retire. C’mon, we’ve got a stop loss program; let’s use it on these guys. If you’re strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle.

C’mon. Jesse Jackson is here. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he’s going to say what he wants at the pace that he wants.

>> It’s like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

>> Justice Scalia’s here. May I be the first to say welcome, sir. You look fantastic. How are you?

>>

John McCain is here. John McCain - John McCain. What a maverick. Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn’t a salad fork. He could have used a spoon. There’s no predicting him. So wonderful to see you coming back into the republican fold. I have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at bob Jones University. So glad you’ve seen the light.

Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city. Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I would like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., The chocolate city with a marshmallow center. >> And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It’s a mala march is what I’m describing, a seasonal cookie.

Joe Wilson is here, the most famous husband since Dezi Arnez. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! >> Oh, what have I said? I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife, Pat Fitzgerald is not here tonight?

Dodged a bullet.

And we can’t forget man of the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret service name, snow job. What a hero, took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.

>> Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Scott McClellan too say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card’s children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn’t made the decision to quickly, sir.
I was vying for the job. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and with your indulgence, I’d like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x1062760

Complete Clip Links: Free Video Blog
http://video.freevideoblog.com/video/AAC7FA18-2DDC-4D3E...
http://video.freevideoblog.com/video/C91DDBB4-28AD-4E6F...

Forum posts

  • Excellent.More please!!!!!!!!!!

    • Colbert was brilliant! My boyfriend and I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. Not only did he roast the president and the press, but he skewered them as well. This was one of the most memorable moments in TV history. A must see!

      Some have been calling his performance distasteful, but that that just means that the truth about this administration, this war, the fourth estate is distasteful. Steven spoke truth to power through the medium of his art. Who gives a shit if George and Laura and the presstitudes were uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable every f**king day thinking about that Texas-sized a**hole ruining this country and killing and maiming countless people around the world.

      Thank you Steven! From a new, dedicated fan.

    • It’s about time someone did that-but I was kind of hoping it would come from a prosecutor ;-)

      Thank you Stephen Colbert!

      From a military family

    • Babylon is not just a place! Sometimes it’s what people do.

    • We need more men that stand by truth!

      I am honored to see an American that sees the naked Emperor and tells it like it truly is!

      Where are the real men in America?

  • A millionaire-celebrity "speaks truth to power" at a White House Correspondent’s dinner?

    Now THAT’S comedy!
    — 
    David Emanuel

    • Right.. because a person able to comically disassemble an entire administration automatically has his opinions made hypocritical and void once that very ability becomes well-known. Good logic there, Einstein.

    • The issue isn’t Colbert’s schtick...as if now the cat is out of the bag and he has to get a new job......it’s the fact that in front of the very Washington elite who are destroying the country Colbert was able to stand and mockingly state the truth to their faces as one of their own. Political satire and truth telling has never been so surreal and brilliant.

  • I caught the tail end of this roast on CSPAN. Saw the video of Colbert running away from Helen Thomas. I hope the plug isn’t pulled on CSPAN.

  • Colberts satirical spin punched a gapping hole in the Bushistas plans at trying to regain the ol’ good ol’ boy image...
    How many more will die for the neocons? Anyone notice how the instigators are slowly dissappearing in the woodwork? Eliot Abrams? Richard Perle? Douglas Feith? The World Bank will never be the same, eh Mr. Wolfowitz?
    How long before America wakes up and puts these traitors on trial?

    Impeachment then prison,where they belong.

    Paddlefeet

    • There will only be two ways out of it, and that is either a Dem-elect, or coup d’etat. Most government agencies are already split, internally politically driven, a mix of bureaucratic politics (i.e. self-revelling in the agencies’ methods, and an attempt to alter information to support the necessity of that agency and their positions) or reigning Republican overtones (such as in purposeful omissions and outright lies of information passed to the White House, with full knowledge that those omissions would lead to their dept being given expanded overseas operational capabilities. See - CIA).

      Even if Dems do win the next election, the wheels are already spinning. Congress is basically ineffective as being a check-and-balance component.

    • There will only be two ways out of it, and that is either a Dem-elect, or coup d’etat. Most government agencies are already split, internally politically driven, a mix of bureaucratic politics (i.e. self-revelling in the agencies’ methods, and an attempt to alter information to support the necessity of that agency and their positions) or reigning Republican overtones (such as in purposeful omissions and outright lies of information passed to the White House, with full knowledge that those omissions would lead to their dept being given expanded overseas operational capabilities. See - CIA).

      Even if Dems do win the next election, the wheels are already spinning. Congress is basically ineffective as being a check-and-balance component.

    • Impeachment? Hell no...Guantanamo....And give Castro the key.

    • rico laws used against big oil the ones that have seen oil go from 20 a barrel before bush mouth, and will hit 125 at least if we start in iran, and their suchophants our diebold elected beauracrats , allow pretrial seizures of all assets. these war criminals fit the term racketeers to the core of the definition.BOOK EM DANO, NO TAXES THE REST OF THE CENTURY, if we seize these criminals offshore acounts, then sell lottery tickets for the chance to humiliate them on ppv tv for the next 25 years.we could solve every problem in the world by seizing these criminals assets , and then marketing their humiliation worldwide. they could be our biggest grossing export product.

  • It’s about time someone did that-but I was kind of hoping it would come from a prosecutor ;-)

    Thank you Stephen Colbert!

    From a military family

  • On the face of it that certainly seemed to be a "somebody tells the truth to power" moment. Very Funny, kind of edgy.
    But in reality who arranges these events? Who sets up the speakers like that? I’ll bet something here. We all know the tight Rovian control of public events of the last 5 years. The stages, the props, the scripted audiences, the propaganda. All these mucka mucks and Very Important People at this gig, which was sure to be recorded and disseminated, with Bubble Boy himself, and Colbert wasn’t vetted R E A L closely by the Rovian machine?
    I’m thinking it was a calculated safety valve effort. The string pullers are ALWAYS several moves ahead in this game. They know the general consensus and I think something like this is meant to help them, and not allowed to hurt them. How? Perhaps showing the sockpuppet as being "in touch", maybe making light of severe problems to dilute them, possibly trying to get rid of the bubble boy image.

    • Agreed. Much as I admire Colbert, I feel he has taken part in something Big Brother wanted to happen; whether or not he was complicit in it is another matter. If he loses his job or suffers in some other way as a consequence, we’ll know he was innocent.

  • rico laws used against big oil the ones that have seen oil go from 20 a barrel before bush mouth, and will hit 125 at least if we start in iran, and their suchophants our diebold elected beauracrats , allow pretrial seizures of all assets. these war criminals fit the term racketeers to the core of the definition.BOOK EM DANO, NO TAXES THE REST OF THE CENTURY, if we seize these criminals offshore acounts, then sell lottery tickets for the chance to humiliate them on ppv tv for the next 25 years.we could solve every problem in the world by seizing these criminals assets , and then marketing their humiliation worldwide. they could be our biggest grossing export product.

  • This may have come as surprise to those that don’t watch his great show every night. Colbert is proving that is possibly the greatest living satirist in the country.

    Kudos Steve, kodos...

  • Shouldn’t the headline say, "speaks TRUTHINESS to power"?

  • Before I go for stitches at the outpatient clinic I’d just like to congratulate Stephen Colbert. He and Jon Stewart are the oly mainstream media speaking truth to power anymore and calling it comedy is the only way they get away with it.. The tension in the air at the dinner was palpable. Colbert was Touchstone-like as he led the King and his lapdog court through a minefield of innuendo. Nobody came out alive, not even himself! Absolutely brilliant!! Encore!!!
    J Smith

  • Scroll down the link below and watch how Colbert made a fool of neocon William Kristol.

    http://www.crooksandliars.com/2006/04/28.html

  • Whew, what a relief to finally hear the nefarious iniquitious bunch of super nazis of the present administration put into full view of the precarious nation of SHEEP!!!!

  • Whew, what a relief to finally hear the nefarious iniquitious bunch of super nazis of the present administration put into full view of the precarious nation of SHEEP!!!!

  • I am glad I was not Bush setting there. He literally called Bush an Idiot.

  • Hilarious. Looking forward to seeing/hearing the clip. Also what he has to say on it on his show tonight (11:30pm eastern on Comedy Central) Supposedly Bush was not amused at some of the stuff he said. Little dose of reality, W? What people are really thinking/saying about you when you’re not around your inner circle that tells you everything is fine and the public loves you, on a daily basis?

  • I love the smell of truthiness at dinner.

  • Amazing! I expected any moment, to see security agents take Colbert by the arms and double walkk him out.

    I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time.

    Thank you, Colbert, for your bravery in bearding the beast in his own den!

    May you get a salary raise. My respect to Comedy Central, I, for one, will be watching it from now on!

  • BRILLIANT!!!!!