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ASK A CREATION SCIENTIST ANYTHING

by Open-Publishing - Tuesday 20 September 2005
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Sciences USA

ASK MR. CREATION SCIENTIST

By Peter Fredson, Ph.M, LLDDD, SCr, NM, Esq.

In the public interest, we started a write-in to creation scientists to help explain things that the ordinary layman may find mystifying. You may direct your query to Mr. Creation Scientist

Some of his answers may seem prosaic, but that is the nature of scientific endeavor. Here are some of the questions and the logical answers of Mr. Creation Scientist. Enjoy!

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Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Is there any limitation to human stupidity?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found no limitations on stupidity. In fact, stupidity has been increasing exponentially since Ronald Reagan was President, rising to its present height with the Bush administration.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is a Balanced Diet?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that a Balanced Diet is holding a hamburger in one hand, and a coke in the other.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: How can body cells repair themselves when they are damaged?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that adding alcohol to barley juice or corn mash helps body cells repair themselves joyfully.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Why should we eat broccoli? President Bush, The First, said he didn’t have to any more.
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that broccoli juice is wonderful for stopping attacks of fear of green vegetables.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: How can cold skin be cured?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that cold skin can be cured by wearing thermal underwear

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: How can we conquer fear of public humiliation?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that fear of public humiliation is cured by wearing Halloween masks, or sometimes by running for Congress.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of death?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that forgetting or failing to breathe occasionally and regularly is the chief cause of death.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Will mankind (or womankind) be able to land on the moon?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that it is impossible to land on the moon. It is made of Swiss Cheese, so people would fall through the holes to their death.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Why did the British Navy keelhaul mutinous sailors?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that keelhauling sailors brings increased intake of saline solution orally, and that in turn brings either immediate obedience, or burial at sea.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Why do people go into panic?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that panic is often associated with emotional stress. A shot in the head might do it too.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the effect of shooting one’s spouse?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that people suffer acute emotional stress after being shot by spouses.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: How can we reduce the pregnancy rate?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that putting a noisy ceiling fan in the bedroom, reduces pregnancy rate by 21.3%

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Will Television ever become feasible?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that Television will eventually become feasible, although it may fail financially. The difficulty is in stuffing people inside of those tiny boxes.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of tornadoes?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of tornadoes is air whirling madly around circularly.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What makes balls bounce?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of balls bouncing is their elasticity, or temporary negative stationariness.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of barometric changes.
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of barometric changes is air pressure.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: Why can birds fly?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of birds flying is that they have wings that push down on air and cause their little bodies to elevate sufficiently to escape gravity.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of stains from gun-shot wounds?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has determined that the outstanding cause of stains from gun-shot wounds comes from blood.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of burials?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of burials is death.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of all those butterflies?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of butterflies is other butterflies.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of cold weather?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of cold weather is lack of heat in the upper and lower atmospheres.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of craters?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of craters is very large holes.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of curly hair?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of curly hair is their curly shape, or in slightly more technical terms, the negative lack of straightness.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of cuts?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of cuts is a sudden penetration of the external dermal layer.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of deafness?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of deafness is loss of auditory capability in both ears.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What causes deserts to form?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of deserts is lack of moisture, or, in technical terms, negative humidification or aridity.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of dog bites?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of dog bites is dogs.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of drooling?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of drooling is saliva in the oral cavity.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of dust?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of dust is tiny particles from the air settling on the ground. Carl Sagan said it was tiny particles of exploded stars, billions and billions of particles, but he died.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of ear ache?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of ear ache is a pain in the oricular orifice.

Dear Mr. Creation Scientist: What is the chief cause of earth tremors?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Science has found that the chief cause of earth tremors are quakes, or, in technical terms, negative stationariness resulting in temporary instability of stratigraphic layers.

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Forum posts

  • Dear Mr. Creation Scientist,
    I am wrinting a persuasive essay on Creation V.S. Evoloutin. Of Course I am con on the whole topic, but I need an extreamly good reason why evoloution why evoloution could not have possibly happened. I know the whole thing about the sun and it’s shrinking and all, but i need something more solid. Can you help?