MARTIAL LAW DECLARES RESISTERS TO BE SHOT

MARTIAL LAW DECLARED, RESISTERS TO BE SHOT

By Peter Fredson

A Political Satire

In a surprise move that left many Americans gasping, Georgy W. Shrub was proclaimed as President-for-Life. Republican Senators gathered last night at midnight in a secret session and within an hour had given George Shrub all the powers he yearned for, had voted him in as President-for-Life and declared that any criticism of their move was treasonous.

The smiling President-for-Life then swaggered down the aisle of Congress patting Senators on their backs and declared martial law was in effect, making any resistance to his rule a felony subject to indefinite detention, confiscation of all the critics worldly goods, and approving of torture for any comments, computer e-mail, writings, phone calls, or any conversation which might express signs of revolt against the legal resolutions of Congress.

The nation will be under curfew from sunset to sunup. The administration of justice will be left to military tribunals, called courts-martial. A suspension of the writ of habeas corpus is declared permanent.

Assembly of more than three persons in any location will be subject to imprisonment. Any unauthorized publication by any media will be subject to confiscation and severe penalties. Any remarks that subject the President or any member of his administration to ridicule will incur public lashing and indefinite detention.

Tomorrow the Constitution will be amended by proclamation making criticism of Presidential authority a crime, blasphemy a felony requiring confiscation of goods, immediate cessation of all employment and civic protections, under special military tribunals applying martial law with death by firing squad applicable to 32 different categories of non-compliance.

Children of felons will be declared wards of the state and sent to military training institutes for service against all enemies foreign or domestic so proclaimed by Presidential edict. They may be declared domestic servants, indentured to Republicans for household and garden maintenance tasks until they are recruited into military service.

Labor camps will be established to which dissenters will be sent for highway, airport, and corporation maintenance.

All computer disks will be searched for treasonable criticism and computers confiscated. Any disk showing signs of erasure will be considered a grave violation and any attempt to conceal critical information will be subject to torture and abuse as a tendentious attempt at domestic terrorism.

All publications expressing any expression of resistance to the new order will be burned in the public square. No book publication will be authorized without special Presidential or Priestly imprimatur.

All persons convicted of treasonable criticism will be branded on their foreheads; will wear dark purple garments, and a special cap to identify them easily. People so convicted must not hold conversations with anyone except their protective law guardians must not own writing materials or computer equipment under penalty of whipping with a cat-of-nine-tails and will be placed in public stocks in public squares for public ridicule in each city or town of the realm.

All citizens will be required to kneel as any Presidential procession passes within 500 yards of their persons and not to gaze directly upon the President-for-Life under penalty of a whip or club beating. Any person asked to speak by Presidential guards will genuflect, place their right heart on their left breast, bow their head, and will speak distinctly in English under penalty of whip lash or club beating.

Negroes may not look at or utter any speech within Presidential earshot or will be clubbed with a knout, and will pull their forelocks if spoken to by authorities.

All parties are banned except the Republican Party which will be renamed CONSTITUTIONALIST ORDER. The President-for-life will be awarded a sash of woven gold mesh with the wording: FREEDOM AND JUSTICE FOREVER emblazoned on it and will wear a large gold medallion with a picture of Jesus on it.

Photographs of the President-for-Life will be hung in every home, with large billboard at the entrance to every city, town and village in the realm. A large bronze statue of the President-for-Life in Times Square will show him in heroic pose with a halo above his head, and his index finger pointing to the Supreme Being.

Anyone defacing pictures or statues of the President-for-Life will be incarcerated and subjected to beating and abuse indefinitely.

The President-for-life may wear a special Air Corps Flight suit, with special cod-piece. Any person making sport of his uniform will be incarcerated, beaten severely, and have all his goods confiscated. Furthermore, the President-for-Life is hereby named as Supreme Commander and may wear purple robes with a crown of simulated thorns for solemn occasions.

Gays will be mercifully put to death by lethal injection. Atheists will be declared as outlaws, forced to convert to Christianity, and must wear yellow dunce-caps at all times. Any secret meetings of people wanting to revive any political party will be met with full force of all available weaponry, and attendees will be permanently incarcerated, all their goods confiscated, and their relatives whipped.

All abortion is outlawed and anyone performing such heinous operation will be shot. Anyone using their tongues, lips, vaginas, penises or rectums for sexual recreation will be burned at stake.

Poverty is declared to be a punishment of the Supreme Creator as the result of sins of forefathers of the poor, and prayer will be offered to alleviate poverty.

Everyone will be required to pray three times daily, and to give 25% of their earnings to support faith-healers and spiritual advisors. All charity will be conducted by faith-based institutions approved by a special Presidential task-force.

Every home will have the King James Version of the Bible on their bedside table, except for special dispensations allotted to the Papal Office by International Concordat.

The President-for-Life declared that religious freedom was paramount and that all citizens might choose freely to become either Baptist, Catholic or Methodist. All other denominations, cults, sects or offshoots are banned as ineffective and false. International Relations with Muslims would be allowed with some restrictions so long as their oil reserves keep flowing to America.

Any psychological anomalies formerly listed under insanity or lunacy will be considered as cases for spiritual healing, with exorcisms required. Conditions formerly listed as Medical may be considered as the result of sin and will be treated by faith-healers. All physicians will have pictures or statues of Jesus in their waiting rooms and will recite official prayers before and during any surgical operations.

All legal questions will be settled by searching the Bible for suitable quotations, which will be considered binding, and will be applied without restriction by the Supreme Court.

The word “evolution” is considered anathema and only Intelligent Design will be taught in any school. All pupils will kneel in unison and recite the Official Pledge of Allegiance to the President-for-Life at the start and close of each school day.

Biology and Geology will be taught by nuns and priests who will also select which books may be present in schools and libraries. Astronomy will be taught by astrologers. School boards will consist only of baptized Christians who have demonstrated loyalty to the President-for-Life.

No person will be given any Federal, State, or County position unless they are devout Christians and will take the oath of loyalty to the President-for-Life. All previous holidays involving private or political leaders are deleted, while a grand new holiday will honor the President-for-Life with cake and fireworks in every town, and civic speeches applauding Presidential Leadership of George W. Shrub the First. Any child of the President-for-Life will be eligible to serve in his cabinet, or as his successor.

Only devout Christians will be allowed to serve as lawyers or justices. No law may conflict with Biblical information.

Other details are expected to be provided by Karl Rave or Donald Rummy tomorrow at the obligatory Press Assembly where reporters will be told what may be published.

All unauthorized publication or expressions of dissent will receive severe punishment. All media are hereby declared to be under strict control of the Office of Media Management. jeff Gannon has been appointed as Media Control Officer.