What If Bush Told the Truth at Annapolis

What Bush Might Have Said If He Ever Told the Truth

Satire by Peter Fredson

December 2, 2005

Our courageous American hero, George Bush, Lord of Missions Accomplished, gave another of his cloned speeches the other day at Annapolis, to a captive audience of bright and shining cadets, who had no idea what evil genius awaited their service. Some phrases from his speech were taken from the Neocon Strategy for Victory handbook years ago.

SCENE: George I is sitting in his bedroom having a drink when he accidentally mixed in a strong dose of truth serum that a CIA agent had prepared for the interrogation of a terror suspect. Later he gives this speech:

NATIONAL STRATEGERY FOR VICTORY IN IRAQ

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2005
9:45 A.M. EST

GEORGE I: Thank you. Thanks, please be seated. Thanks for the warm welcome prepared by my staff. It’s good to be back at the Naval Academy where I came once as a visitor and made almost the same speech. I never attended any academy but like to pretend that I did.

Although I went AWOL, I like to pretend I’m a kind of service hero. I’m pleased to provide a convenient excuse for you to miss class. And to inform you that some day you may have to die for my legacy and for Dick Cheney.
(Applause.)

After all, that’s what I pay you for.

At this point I must mention the disaster of 9/11, 9/ll, 9/11, 9/11 so you will think I did something heroic on that occasion.

I didn’t but if you think I did, then I’m happy. I was reading a kid’s book then got yanked into a plane, flew to some very safe spot, got all my security around me. The next day I went to the disaster area, took off my coat to make you believe I was going to do some work in pulling people out of rubble. Then I spoke on a bull-horn, hugged a fireman, and stood around looking heroic, so the public would feel safer under my strong courageous leadership.

And my courageous strategery on 9/11 worked. To this day there has been no repeat of destruction of Twin Towers, and I made sure the people who flew the planes into the Towers were really dead. They won’t bother us no more, you betcha! So now I can swagger at this mighty feat of courageous leadership on 9/11

This is the first year that midshipmen at this Academy arrived after the attacks of September the 11th, 2001. (Where I was, doing heroic work.)

Each of you has volunteered to wear our nation’s uniform in a time of war — knowing all the risks and dangers that accompany military service. But you didn’t know you are being sent on an illicit invasion to kill Muslims in order to get their oil and land and make them colonialists of my neocon order.

My Christian sponsors are grateful for your devotion to duty — and America is proud of you for being so gullible as to take orders based on lies.
(Applause.)

I thank all the Admirals and Generals for their invitation for me to come and give this speech. If they hadn’t I would have fired them. Hell, I appreciate all the soldiers surrounding me constantly.

I’m traveling today with a man who’s done a terrible job as the Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld. (Applause.). But he’s my crony so I keep him on. (Applause.)

I so appreciate that members of the Republican Senate have joined us, I’m honored you all came, thanks for being here and for being sycophants above and beyond the call of duty. You certainly helped me make Congress a branch of my Oval Office and help change the Clinton democracy into a Bush-Cheney-Falwell theocracy.

Thank you all for letting me come by.
(Applause.)
Who in hell would stop my prearranged photo-ops anyway, eh?

Six months ago, I came here to address the graduating class of 2005. I spoke to them about the importance of their service in the first war of the 21st century — the global war on terror. Actually there was no terror in Iraq until I invaded and those stupid natives seemed to resent that. And my speech is almost the same, but people seem to like hearing me recite it. Especially on 9/11, 9/11, 9/11.

I told the class of 2005 that four years at this Academy had prepared them morally, mentally and physically for the challenges ahead. But they also have to prepare to murder Muslims and destroy Iraq for the neocon aims of Karl Rove and Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney that aim to dominate the world.

And now they’re meeting those challenges as officers in the United States Navy and Marine Corps by illegally invading and destroying a sovereign nation and murdering thousands of innocent civilians and are still bullying, shooting, and destroying while stealing oil, proselytizing, grabbing land, and terrorizing the entire nation of Iraq. Good show.

Hoo Raw.

(Applause)

Some of your former classmates are training with Navy Seal teams that will storm Iraqi safe homes, businesses and infrastructure in lightning destructive raids, smashing down doors, destroying houses, lobbing grenades, and all that good American know-how stuff. Some of you will destroy many Iraqi houses, kill the inhabitants, and probably torture and abuse others. So get with it.

Others are preparing to lead Marine rifle platoons that will hunt whomever I declare is EVIL in the mountains of Afghanistan and terrorize innocent people in the streets of Iraq. Others are training as naval aviators who will fly combat missions over the skies of Afghanistan and Iraq and elsewhere bombing, strafing and killing whomever I tell you to.

Still others are training as sailors and submariners who will deliver the combat power of the United States to the farthest regions of the world — and deliver profitable assistance to our corporations from those suffering from natural disasters.

Whatever their chosen mission, every graduate of the class of 2005 is bringing dishonor to the uniform — and helping to bring death and destruction to a sovereign country in my war on terror which I bravely started in Iraq.
(Applause.)

In the years ahead, you’ll join them in the fight. Yes you’ll still be fighting in Iraq for the next 20 years because I don’t want to leave the oil and bases. Your service is needed, because our nation is engaged in a war that I am unwisely fighting on many fronts — from the streets of Western cities, to the mountains of Afghanistan, the islands of Southeast Asia and the Horn of Africa.

No one in the world is safe from my wrathful democracy and liberty.

This war is going to take many turns, and whomever I say is the enemy must be defeated on every battlefield. Yet the terrorists like myself have made it clear that Iraq is the central front in my war against humanity, and so you must recognize that I declare Iraq as the central front in the war on terror. As you fight whomever I declare to be an enemy in Iraq, every man and woman who volunteers to defend our nation deserves an unwavering commitment to the mission — and a clear strategy.

Of course, I never had a strategy, not for entrance nor for exit, only for destruction and to steal the oil and declare myself a gallant victor. A clear strategy begins with a clear understanding of the enemy we face, which I had no idea of.

The enemy in Iraq is a combination of rejectionists, Saddamists, Gahdammists, and terrorists. The rejectionists are by far the largest group. These are ordinary Iraqis, mostly Sunni Arabs, who miss the privileged status they had under the regime of Saddam Hussein — and they reject an Iraq in which they are no longer the dominant group.

And they sure as hell are trying to reject me, who invaded immorally, preemptively, by deceit, by outright lies, for my crony’s profit. Get over it!

Finally someone told me recently that most of the “insurgents” are mainly loyal Iraqis trying to get my vicious murdering troops out of their country. So I probably goofed, but what the hell. I’m there, and they’re square.

Not all Sunnis fall into the rejectionist camp. Of those that do, most are not actively fighting me — but some are traitors to their country and give aid and comfort to my plans for Iraq and I appreciate that and will make some of them mayors and governors in reward.

Many Sunnis boycotted the January elections — yet as my Colonialism takes hold in Iraq, they are recognizing that opting out of the Colonial Enslaving process hurts their interests and gets them made dead. And today, those who advocate violent opposition are being increasingly isolated by Sunnis who choose peaceful participation in the Colonial process.

Sunnis voted in the recent constitutional referendum, which I imposed upon them by force, in large numbers — and Sunni coalitions have formed to compete in next month’s elections — or, this month’s elections, or maybe next years.

Well, it don’t really matter when. We don’t like artificial deadlines. We believe that, over time, most rejectionists will be persuaded to support a colonial Iraq led by my appointed federal government or I’ll kill them all. Under me there is a strong enough government to protect NEOCON rights.

And someday we might even protect minority rights in the U.S. I’m gonna bring Ashcroft back to do that.

The second group that makes up the enemy in Iraq is smaller, but more determined. It contains former regime loyalists who held positions of power under Saddam Hussein, a really EVIL guy — people who still harbor dreams of returning to power. These hard-core Saddamists are trying to foment anti-democratic sentiment amongst the larger Sunni community.

They lack popular support and therefore cannot stop Iraq’s democratic progress. And over time, they can be marginalized and defeated by the Iraqi people and the security forces of a free Iraq.

And if necessary I’ll drop bunker buster bombs on them, assassinate them, or nuke them. You betcha!

The third group is the smallest, but the most lethal: the terrorists affiliated with or inspired by al Qaeda. Many are foreigners who are coming to fight my gallant progress in Iraq because I invaded Iraq, not otherwise. This group includes terrorists from Saudi Arabia, and Syria, and Iran, and Egypt, and Sudan, and Yemen, and Libya, and other countries.

Our commanders believe they’re responsible for most of the suicide bombings, and the beheadings, and the other atrocities we see on our television. Like the atrocities my troops commit daily, the torture, abuse, contractors, mercenaries, proselytizers, advisors...all superior American Christians, armed to the teeth, all good bullies willing to kill any stupid Iraqi who won’t obey my imperial orders as a great conqueror for my Jesus.

They’re led by a brutal terrorist named Zarqawi — al Qaeda’s chief of operations in Iraq — who has pledged his allegiance to Osama bin Laden. While our troops are led by brutal neocons in the White House and Defense Department.

Their objective is to drive the United States and coalition forces out of Iraq, and use the vacuum that would be created by an American retreat to gain control of that country. The neocon purpose is to dominate the world which is right and proper, as we are superior.

The insurgents want to use Iraq as a base from which to launch deadly attacks against America, and toss atom bombs from pilotless planes, and poison gas, and bacteria, and chicken flu and other nasty weapons of mass destruction as we have demonstrated over and over that they have hidden in the sands of Iraq. Them people are really EVIL.

The rebels want to overthrow moderate governments in the Middle East, and try to establish a totalitarian Islamic empire that reaches from Indonesia to Spain. That’s their stated objective, something like mine I guess. That’s what their leadership has said.

And I will invade Syria, Iraq and any other nation like Venezuela that Condi Rice feels may offer good opportunity for my corporate cronies to exploit.

I really have nothing to offer the Iraqi people. All I have is the capacity and the willingness to kill the innocent and create chaos for the cameras. I just love photo-ops showing me being compassionate and decisive like the great courageous leader that I am.

They are trying to shake my will to achieve their stated objectives. They will fail. America’s will is strong. My destructive power is very strong and my will power overcomes any Iraqi impulse to be free of my command. And they will fail because my will to power is no match for the universal desire to make them my wage slaves.
(Applause.)

Remember that I got my finger on the trigger of 2,500 nuclear bombs, so don’t any bastards try my patience.

The terrorists in Iraq share the same ideology as the terrorists who struck the United States on September the 11th. Those people share my fundamentalist ideology, the supremacist dominionist ideology. Those terrorists share the same ideology with those who blew up commuters in London and Madrid, murdered tourists in Bali, workers in Riyadh, and guests at a wedding in Amman, Jordan. Just last week, they massacred Iraqi children and their parents at a toy give-away outside an Iraqi hospital. That ain’t right.

All during the last 3 years I had to massacre Iraqi women and children and aged people, destroy their homes and livelihood, without even counting their dead as I feel only contempt for infidels, with their false god and falser beliefs. But when my God tells me I gotta invade, then I just gotta invade. Okay?

This is an enemy without conscience -I also have no conscience and will not change my decision to kill anyone who opposes my ways. I cannot be appeased.

If we were not fighting and destroying people in Iraq, they would not be idle. They would be plotting and killing Americans across the world and within our own borders, maybe even in Crawford, so I gotta protect my ranch like a True American Pioneer.

By fighting these terrorists in Iraq, Americans in uniform are defeating a direct threat to the American people. If I kill them there, then they can’t come here.
Against this adversary, there is only one effective response: We will never back down. We will never give in. And we will never accept anything less than complete victory.

(Applause.)

Like Churchill said: We will fight them on the beaches, in the hills, in the cities, in the country, from sea to shining sea. We will never give in. HOO RAW. (Great Applause)

We is True Americans. And we will never mention enormous profit from war mongering and killing other people. And I will never stop mentioning 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11.

To achieve victory over such enemies, we are pursuing a comprehensive if stupid strategy in Iraq. This is news to everyone. They think I have no strategy other than shock and awe. But me and Karl Rove and Dick Cheney we got us a strategery to beat all others.

Americans should have a clear understanding of MY strategy — how I look at the war, how I see the enemy, how I define victory, and what I’M doing to achieve it. Like I define War as Peace, and Destruction as Urban renewal, and Death as entrance to a wonderful heaven, or maybe hell, but something really great.

So today, I’m releasing a document called the "National Strategy for Victory in Iraq." This is an unclassified version of the strategy we’ve been pursuing in Iraq, although nobody seems to have ever heard of it, and it is posted on the White House website. I urge all loyal Christian Americans to read it. The rest are all traitors.

It looks very neat. Lots of titles and subtitles. I had some officer from the War College made it up for me because I had no clue how to get out of Iraq, nor did he want to. I loves being war prezydent, surrounded by protective troops and secret service agents, imagining myself as a conquering hero instead of a murderous invader. So, I had my secretary type it up nice and neat. You know I tried to make her a Supreme Court Judge but some nasty critics put the kibosh on that.

Anybody that looks at that document will immediately see that it is a plan. It’s a plan we thought about for a long time but forgot to tell anybody. So now we are releasing it. This is a non-secret copy, because the secret copy is secret, you know.

Our strategy in Iraq has three elements. On the political side, we know that free societies are peaceful societies, unlike my idea of making war, so we’re helping the Iraqis build a free (HA HA PUPPET) society with inclusive democratic institutions that will protect the interests of all Iraqis working for American corporations. But if they refuse, then we’ll just have to nuke them.

We’re working hard bullying and coercing the Iraqis to help them engage those who can be persuaded to join the new Colonial Iraq — and to marginalize or kill those who never will.

On the security side, coalition and Iraqi security forces are on the offensive against the enemy, IS cleaning out areas controlled by the terrorists and evil Saddam loyalists, leaving Iraqi forces to hold territory taken from my enemy, and following up with targeted reconstruction to help Iraqis rebuild their lives and let my crony corporations suck off billions of bucks while destroying, killing, terrorizing, and imposing my Christian values.

As we fight the terrorists, we’re working to build capable and effective Iraqi security forces, so they can take the lead in the fight — and eventually take responsibility for the safety and security of their citizens without major foreign assistance. I wants them to be my colonial wage-slaves and use them to terrorize the entire Middle East so I can dominate the whole shebang.

And on the economic side, we’re helping the Iraqis rebuild their infrastructure, which I accidentally destroyed, reform their economy by appointing all my buddies to take charge, and build the prosperity that will give all neocons a juicy stake in an Iraq under our complete control.

Those Islamo-Fascists (I learned that phrase two months ago, and will use it for the next three years) are tough nuts to crack, but with my Christo-Fascists (a phrase I just made up) we will beat them.

In the days ahead, I’ll be discussing the various pillars of dust of our strategy in Iraq. Today, I want to speak in depth about one aspect of this strategy that will be critical to victory in Iraq — and that’s the domination training of Iraqi security forces.

To defeat the terrorists and marginalize the Saddamists and rejectionists, Iraqis need strong military and police forces under complete control by myself. Iraqi troops bring knowledge and capabilities to the fight that coalition forces cannot.

But I won’t try giving the Iraqis the same equipment we Americans have, like tanks, cannon, guns, planes, and Bunker Buster Bombs because I don’t really trust them.

Iraqis know their people, they know their language, and they know their culture — and they know who the terrorists are. Yes, they know that my troops are terrorists. Iraqi forces are not earning the trust of their countrymen as they are regarded as dirty quisling troops. As the Iraqi forces grow in number, they’re helping us to keep a better hold on the cities taken

Our goal is to train enough Iraqi forces so they can die for us — and this will take time and patience. And it’s worth the time, and it’s worth the effort. 2200 dead Americans is not too much for my supporters to accept, because it doesn’t affect their profits in the least. Iraq.

We share a common enemy and when that enemy is defeated in Iraq, Americans will be safer here at home. (Applause.)

It’s only going to take about 200 billion more dollars and about 20 years, so that your children will be able to join my army and fight for Jesus.

I am making sure Iraqis hear my side of the story, so I am going to pay their newspapers to print how good I am doing in Iraq and to pay no attention to counter-propaganda. Of course, I have my own paid reporters here in the U.S. that will never ask me any embarrassing questions and will only print my side of the story, but that’s between me and their publishers.

I’m going to stay the course, no matter how stupid it seems, because I don’t know what else to do. I wish them Iraqis would just give up so I can go back to Crawford and cut brush.

As for reports that I lie frequently and habitually, I have this to say about that. Rubbish. All lies.

And those reports that say I don’t know what sovereignty is, I want you to know that I have appointed the best Iraqi exiles I know, regardless of whether they are drunks or nuts, to govern Iraq.

Finally, I want you all to know that Democracy and Liberty are what I say they are, and what Condi Rice says they are.

I’m in charge and don’t you forget it. And don’t forget 9/11, 9/11, 9/11

Thanks for listening to me. And my secret service will now take the cadet, who fell asleep during this speech, outside and beat the crap out of him before we toss him out of the Academy.

In Jesus Name, God Bless, and Pray for my Victory.
(Smirk)

(Applause followed by Riot Squads)
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