HEY DICK! WAS HE FLYING ’R WAS HE WEARIN’ FEATHERS?

By Les Blough, Editor
Feb 13, 2006, 22:55

C’mon Dick just set it out - give me some believable ideas here. Don’t worry, we don’t have to ... you know ... tell the truth about this. Hey! OK, OKaay - I won’t use that word again. I’m sorry, I’m sorrrry, I know that word makes you edgy.

But we have to come up with a story that sounds like ... you know ... the T word. Okay? Good. But we’ve gotta fill out this accident report and then face the press.

What? Your image? Ah c’mon Dick ... heh, heh .... One thing for sure, you don’t have to worry about damaging that. We’re way past that one. No, no - you still look good - but I’m just sayin ...

Ok. Now. First tell me what really happened so I know what I’m workin’ with here. Was it something Harry said that just pissed you off? Or was it an honest incident of mistaking a man for a quail? You don’t want to say? C’mon, you can level with me. Don’t you think you owe me that much - all these years together? C’mon buddy ... You know you can trust me. Okay - yeah I’ve heard it before ... you didn’t even trust your mother. Yeah ... well ... whatever ...

What’s that? You feel embarrassed? aaahahahahahah ... OK Okaaay ... whew! .... ok wait ... let me catch my breath ... hm hm bwahahahahaha ... hmmm ummm ahh ok sorry. It’s just that after the last 6 years I didn’t think anything would embarrass you any more Dick. Besides, you think this is embarrassing for you - what about them - you’re supposed to be the VP of the most powerful nation in the world - you’re running a war and you shoot your friend Harry while hunting Quail? Ok, OKAY - -take it easy ... Christ you have a short temper! Allright - I admit it was a cheap shot ... errr what I mean is ... I shouldn’t have said that.

Ok, look we’ve bought us some time. But we’re gonna have to fill out an accident report and face the press in a few minutes. What? "F**k the press?" Oh God! C’mon Dick - I’m on your side, but you don’t wanna go there. We have to calm down and figure out what to tell them. Yes! I know they’ll take care of you - they always do - but we have to give them something - anything. Get a grip man! We can’t just tell them to screw off for godsakes.

OK, let’s take it from the top. How long did you say you’ve been hunting upland birds? Over 40 years or so ... Okay.

For how many years have you been handling a gun? ... Since you were a kid - 60 some years - um hmmm.

Ok, now we’re getting somewhere. Now ... let’s take this a step at a time.

What’s the gun you were using. Uh huh ... your .28 gauge Perazzi. Hmmm ... Italian, huh? Whoa! Don’t tell me it’s the NBR 803 over & under with a ventilated rib. And silver engraving? That’s a nice piece. Over 10,000 dollars, huh? Must be nice, Dick.

Now. After you took your last shot ... I mean at a bird - not the one at Harry - Yeah, I’m talkin about before you shot Harry - Did you put the safety on - on the Perazzi? Uh huh, so last time you can remember - it was on. Ok That’s good.

Uh huh, yeah well we both know that your memory’s shot to hell but we don’t have to bring that up.

OK, speaking about your health, do you have any reason to believe that your pacemaker malfunctioned out there in the field? What’s that? Ohhh, is that right? So you were having trouble breathing ... but moreso after you shot Harry ... uh huh ... well that makes sense now doesn’t it.

Did you feel light-headed or dizzy before you shot Harry? I see - you did, but you always feel lightheaded and dizzy ... uh huh and the double vision. If they ask, that’s another one not to mention, Dick. Speaking of the double vision - when’s the last time you had your eyes checked? Ok, never mind.

And Dick, do you remember what Harry was wearin’? Yes a hunting jacket of course. But he must have been dressed in drab brown or gray - something that made it hard to see him, right?

OH, A BLAZE ORANGE VEST AND CAP ...

Ok then ... I guess that doesn’t help us much, huh?

Yeah, well he must have been standing behind a brush pile or some bushes or something, right? ... Uh Huh. Of course ... in the open field. Shit!

Ok, let’s see. Did you trip over anything ... like one of the dogs, for example? They’re always under your feet, right? No? The dogs were gun-shy. Uh huh. Well, I can understand.

Perhaps one of the Secret Service guys tripped you. They hover pretty close don’t they? Oh, so they always make sure they’re plenty far back when you have a gun in your hands. Uh huh.

Lemme ask you this, Dick ... now try to remember. What thoughts were going through your mind just before you shot Harry? Can you remember what you were thinking? This could help. Like maybe you had a lot on your mind ... worried about the economy ... stress about the latest polls - you know - something like that. Ok so it’s coming back to you ... good.

Hmmmm .... so you had a mental image of yourself ... really! That’s fascinating. What was it? Uh huh - on patrol ... dressed in camo fatigues .... Uh huh .... in Baghdad .... uh ... Dick - Dick! - let’s stop there, ok? I don’t think we need to go there right now ... let’s move on ...

Ok, Ok ... let’s get back to the ahhhh accident. Ok, let me see .... hmmm - ok, I read something about those hunter safety rules they give to kids who are getting their first hunting license. You know about them, right? Well, you know - one of the first things they teach you is to always know where the muzzle of your gun is pointed. They might ask you something about that. Now just before you shot Harry, was the muzzle of your .28 pointed in a safe direction - up toward the sky or was it pointed toward the ground. Oh ... I see ... it was pointed toward Harry ... of course, of course.

By the way, another thing they might ask - you know how some of these reporters are - especially the young bastards that want to make a name for themselves ... You were legal and everything, right? I mean did your people get you a non-resident Texas hunting license and everything? Oh good. What? You didn’t get the Upland Game Bird Stamp? What the hell is that? I see. Oh boy, now that’s gonna be a problem. You know somebody’s gonna want to nitpick the shit out of that one ... - but I guess we can cover it up ... I know some people. But you gotta admit - this whole thing is getting to be a pain in the ass.

Okay. Let’s get down to business. What were you actually doing when the gun went off? Uh huh. Bending over to pick up the flask you dropped. Yeah, well forget that one. If that gets out, we’re finished. They already know about your two DUIs. Ok look - the thing about the flask - that just didn’t happen. Got it?

Well what the hell did happen Dick? I’m starting to get a little frustrated. I understand it’s not easy for you either. But you’re gonna have to give me something to work with here. One of the things I think you’re gonna have to tell them is that you’re hanging up your guns. Face it. You’re getting too old for this shit. I mean hell! Your lucky you didn’t kill Harry! Then we woulda had to bury the whole thing and that would have taken some juice!

Hey! Watchit! Don’t get huffy with me - and don’t sneer at me like that. It freaks me out. You look like a dog-chewin-a-bone when you curl your lip like that. Now lissen! You just cannot do the lip thing when you’re talkin’ to the press about shooting Harry. You gotta look like you feel bad about what you did to Harry. You’re worried about his condition ... Like you really care about him. You got that Dick? Besides - you’re the one who shot Harry - not me! So calm down. I’m just tryin’ to help put a story together here.

What did you say? What?! Whoa! Slow down here. Hell no I’m not going to take the rap for this! You shot him and you’re gonna have to own up to it. You’re way outta line with that one. I can’t believe you asked me that! Look, we both know that you’ve got away with a lotta stuff in your life, but not this time. C’mon now - It’s time to be a man, Dick. We just have to put a decent story together.

What?! Are you outta your mind? I don’t care if they’ll testify against me or not! LET’S GET THIS STRAIGHT. I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT SAY THAT I SHOT HARRY! ... WHAT?! NOW LISSEN UP DICK! - I’M GONNA SAY IT ONE MORE TIME - I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU’LL GIVE ME! I DON’T NEED YOUR DAMN MONEY. YOU SHOT HIM AND YOU’RE GONNA ADMIT TO IT. Oh god ... Ok ... take it easy now. Don’t do that. It’s gonna be ok buddy. In a few weeks this will all be history.

Look, I’m trying to help you here. Now let’s forget all that bullshit about the money and let’s put our heads together and figure something out.

Oh ... really. So now your going to threaten me - after I’ve stuck by you all these years! Well lissen up. You should know me better by now. You’re not talking to one of your chicken eatin’, ass scratching redneck drinkin’ buddies here. Neither are you talkin’ to one of your pathetic paid-off lapdogs. No! You shut up! You threaten me one more time and I’m outta here and if you think I’m scared of you - you’re blind as a man with his eyes shot out. Oh god! Ok, Okay ... let’s both of us take a deep breath, calm down and fill out this accident report.

Ok Dick, I know your tuckered out. Why you feeling your chest again? Here take another nitro. The little bastard just called me from the Oval Office. He said his dad is all over his ass and wants this done right now. We’re almost finished. Just tell me this Dick - and then I’ll write something up. Yeah, we’ll give it to the Sheriff and then you’ll be able to read it on the teleprompter. Don’t worry. Karl’s here and having that all set up.

So tell me, Which was it Dick? Which was it? Was poor Harry wearing feathers, talking with a quack or flying?

One hour later ... Ok Dick. How are you feeling? Pretty shitty. Yeah, I can imagine. Well here’s the accident report all filled out and here’s your statement. They’re waiting outside. Just step up to the plate, read it from the teleprompter and for godsakes - don’t take any questions. If they try to push you, just slide your hand up over your heart and tell ’em you need some rest. Here it is, Dick. It’s solid gold.

"Whittington downed a bird and went to retrieve it. While he was out of the hunting line, another covey flushed and I swung on a bird and fired, striking Whittington in the face, neck and chest at about 30 yards. I was using a .28 gauge shotgun with 7 1/2 shot. I immediately had my medical staff take care of Whittington."

© Copyright 2006 by AxisofLogic.com

Source of images: Political Humor

Bio and Additional essays and poetry by Les Blough

postscript: Letterman’s Top Ten Cheney Excuses for Shooting 78 year old Harry Whittington

10. Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm
9. Wanted to get the Iraq mess off the front page
8. Not enough Jim Beam
7. Trying to stop the spread of bird flu
6. I love to shoot people
5. Guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter
4. I thought the guy was trying to go ’gay cowboy’ on me
3. Excuse? I hit him didn’t I?
2. Until Democrats approve Medicare reform, we have to make some tough choices for the elderly
1. Made bet with Gretzgy’s wife

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