Home > Votes Frolicking in the Meadow
Open Letter to the Chief of VOTE Land Security, whoever you are:
VOTES have more privacy than VOTERS do. On average, a U.S. citizen is on video survellience camera by 800 cameras a day while our VOTES are able to elude detection with Casper stealth technology, courtesy of Diebold, ESS, and Sequoia. Airport handlers pat down for "breast bombs" while our VOTES can go anywhere they want unfettered. Oh, to be a VOTE!
The nation turns its lonely eyes to you the Chief of VOTE Land Security, for it is you who is now guarding the VOTING still, the VOTE factory. Ahhhhh, VOTES, mother’s milk, moonshine nectar. We are going away for the weekend; pay no mind to our teenage housesitters we leave in charge: Ferris Bueller and his VOTE fairies. Magic, nothing to worry about. And awaaaay we gooo.
Our VOTES have absolute diplomatic immunity. VOTES can double park, carry a weapon in the glove box, and not have to worry about being searched. Oh, to be a VOTE. Free at last, free at last! They frolic in the meadow, no cowboy able to break them.
Call the babysitter, more Corona please. Everything’s ok.
Granted, our VOTES are supposedly not up and walking around (our VOTES prefer to be chauffeured) with possible incendiary devices in their shoes but oh they get themselves into trouble! We do not need to know who our VOTES have been sleeping with, buying drugs from, or aborting themselves with. Then we get to trade them in for our secret Cracker Jack prize. Not the prize that all indicators tell us we will win but the prize that halliburton and fox news tells us we won. It’s medicine. It is good for us. Why would a draft-dodging, chicken-hawk, 2.00 GPA, frat-boy not be good for us? How could we do better than that? Around and around the votes go. Let’s take our medicine. This is a natural reaction to Clinton’s trampling of the U.S. Constitution. He must have trampled it, right? Then it would all make sense. We were screwed. Somebody was screwed.
57,000 problem reports to the Govenment Accounting Office, every problem favoring one candidate. 13 hour waits to VOTE outside Columbus. Tossed out poll tapes in Volusia County, Florida. The machines malfunction here and there but don’t worry about the negative 16,022 votes for Gore in 2000 in Volusia, that does not matter, we are safe. The magnitude of a single error should not cause us fret.
We put vanishing cream on our VOTES, protect our VOTES anonymity by not giving a large percentage of them a LoJack, flares, RFIDs, pesky labels, or a paper trail. If you want to really lose a VOTE just put them in with a bunch of other VOTES. Voila. Hoodini would be proud. Government Protection Program for VOTES. No card counting allowed. If anyone finds out who you VOTED for, your FREEDOMS would be violated and we would not want that. All those surveillance cameras say you are free. So you are free. You have cable, right? What more do you need.
Let me go out on a limb, the honor system may not be the ideal system to protect the VOTES in the liquor cabinet. Keeping VOTES anonymous takes work. Perhaps, we put the Warren County, Ohio election commissioners in charge of our roaming VOTES since they know how to ground misbehaving VOTES. Lock-Down!
Democracy almost reared its ugly head in the election three weeks ago. So many people irresponsibly voted for the Veteran who wants to lower the deficit, moderate the war, raise the minimum wage, save our jobs, give kids health care that the VOTES had to unionize and work overtime till about 3:00 AM in Ohio to struggle out of obscurity. They are alive, they are alive! Blasted, Rabbitts.
Turns out the VOTES are alive but we are dead, really, really dead. YOU - READER - YES YOU are already decaying in your casket with a blank stare and the worms are eating your vocal cords that you had when you were alive. The Ukraine has that massive outbreak of renegade vocal cords, it’s a Blue Scare over there! Run for our lives! It is catching. We don’t want to catch anything.
Nurse Mildred Ratched says to take our pills now. If bad thoughts enter your head that the VOTES might crawl in your ear and have babies, turn on the TV. No VOTES there, must be some kind of gag order. Lucky for us. More Prozac please. Now you VOTES go to bed too. Goodnight.
COMFORTABLY NUMB,
Randle Patrick McMurphy
(Formerly, Robin C. Baneth, M.S., M.A.)
Raleigh, NC
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