Welcome To KROVE Radio...

...and I’m your un-friendly host, Karl "The Brain" Rove, and I can dial up an election faster than you can say "federal prosecutor." A lot faster, thanks to our good friends and sponsors, Diebold and Sequoia, and last but not least, E-S and S. Holy computer bits, Turdblossom! Quick, Libby the disk wipe!

And on that note, it’s time to turn up the corporate media volume before the GAO can talk. Or Fitzi, for that matter! Have you heard the real news? Scari Harri has withdrawn her name from consideration from the Supreme Court nomination pool. Since she was swimming in conservative consideration and about to drown, Chicken George, er, the President had to refuse to release any documentation of correspondence or memos from her. He was afraid it would leave her embarrassingly un-covered. Hmmm...from looking at her, kids, I’d be afraid if she was un-covered, too. Very afraid! It’s enough to turn wood to wilt just thinking about it!

Meanwhile, those naughty insurgents have been teasing the Iraqi security forces again, and our biggest sponsor, Halliburton, is busy bringing home the results. I hear people were lighting candles all over the country after the 2,000th delivery. That’s good practice for the coming Winter, peasants! Er, I mean, citizens! Just wait ’til this Winter! Exxon and all of our other Oilster sponsors have made so much money off of Katrina, Rita, and now Wilma, they’re going to do it with Alpha, Beta, fuel oil, and natural gas, too! The mighty American economic engine - that’s you, serfs, er, citizens - is making for record corporate profits, especially if you’re an Oilster like Condi and Georgie! Uhm, er, I mean Exxon or Texaco! It’s a good thing we got you away from burning wood, we need it to keep our housing bubble, er, construction industry going! It keeps the firefighters busy, too! Especially since the National Guard is all over in Iraq "helping" all those Iraqis give us their oil. Just think, they’ll get to torture their own prisoners soon! Like maybe in twenty or thirty years! We’ll train them so well, they’ll make Saddam look like a boy scout!

But their is relief in sight for all those in squalor, er, the middle class. While you’re busy commuting in your wonderful SUV’s for two hours each way to work and to your second job, the polar ice caps are melting! Pretty soon, there won’t be any ice left up there in the Summer! Give it another century, and you won’t even need to buy clothes, because there won’t even BE Winter anymore! Especially after all that Siberian peat moss thaws out and turns into swamp gas. It’ll be great news for all those people who moved out of down-state Illinois, the property you abandoned because you were so kind as to donate your jobs to starving Chinese will be ocean-front property in another hundred years at most! Sorry, Lisa Marie, but we can’t afford to put a bubble over Graceland before Memphis is a 120 miles out to sea. The deficit is really squeaking up there, and we’re going to need every penny we can steal for relocating the people who don’t get wiped out in non-stop hurricanes. You’re either going to have to move the mansion or start selling rock-n-roll fishing tours.

Speaking of real news, have you heard? We’re expecting another great American corporation to pull itself up by the U.A.W.’s bootstraps soon, as generous auto workers donate seventy five percent of their wages to Delphi so that they can avoid bankruptcy. Unfortunately, none of those kind souls will be able to avoid it themselves. There was this law passed recently...thank you, Melissa and Barak...bankruptcies for individuals are going to be harder to get into than Hillary’s britches for a Republican.

Speaking of Hillary, can you believe that new "Commander In Chief" show? What kind of blatant liberal media trick is that, getting everyone psyched up for a woman President? Not as long as Diebold is making my, er, our central tabulators, Mz. Battleaxe! I’ve got a few numbers for you! You can bet I’m a gonna dial ’em, too! Hmm...where’s that phone book with all the tabulator numbers, Scooter? Better leave that here before you go off to the Country Club.

Well, on that note, Fitzi’s a sneaky liberal smear meister, and don’t forget to support your local War on Terror! Have you got a Civil Right you can give up today? We’re looking for donations so we can figure out the best way to use and abuse some more terrorists, folks. After all, Saddam HAD to have hidden those weapons of mass distraction, er, destruction SOMEWHERE in the Middle East. Hmm. I think they must be over in Syria. Yeah, that’s the place, Syria. They packed them up in the mobile biolabs and trucked the whole kit ’n caboodle off to Syria, but we’re not fooled! You can’t fool us neocon types. We’ll find them as soon as we dig in the right part of the desert! F what Joe Wilson said! He doesn’t know his wife from a covert CIA operative! (Pssst...reporters, did you get that? Joe Wilson doesn’t know that his own wifey is a SPY!!! Whadda ya say you help him find out? Dick ’n Scooter think it’s a really great idea you should tell him! Why don’t you write him a big, fat article? After all, let it never be said that the White House is keeping anyone’s secrets but their own!)

Well, on that note, folks, I gotta duck out of town. We’ve got a Presidential press conference far away from Washington, so we won’t have time to hear what Fitzi says this afternoon. Besides, that’s not real news, anyway. Just ignore the guy behind the curtain, OK?

What’s that you said, Georgie? Jeffy’s coming over tonight? Da big Gannster? Man, I gotta get my Turdblossom costume all ready to go! Nighty night, Peasants, we’re off to play a game of "Spin-a-Vote!"

This is KROVE radio signing off on another diversionary tactic coming to a FOX station near you! (And CBS, NBC, ABC, the AP, and whatever other media outlet you care to listen to. No, what the heck are blogs? Blogs aren’t real! If they were real, we’d consolidate them all and they’d be nice, clean media, just like national TV.)

Anyway, Sheeple, sleep tight!