Exclusion Zone Around Fukushima Increased To 12,500 Miles

Authorities have increased the Exclusion Zone, around Fukushima, to 12,500 miles. 

"Radioactivity is like air or water. It goes wherever the currents OF air or water take it - it rides them. It goes through borders without so much as a TSA private parts feel-up and ignores Custom’s check points. It doesn’t care how educated you are, how wealthy, how powerful, or how spiritual you are. Gated communities are defenseless against it. It just plops it’s invisible, odorless butt right down in your lungs," said one authority on condition of anonymity. 

A Japanese official, who refused to go on record, admitted, "Smiling and planting sunflowers probably isn’t enough to circumvent the nearly two thousand radioactive isotopes that are being thrown off by the belching, dying reactors."

A scientist, whom we spoke with unofficially, said, "There is a slight problem with the new exclusion zone [the distance at which you are safe from Fukushima’s deadly radiation]. Even Fukushima’s antipode [the exact opposite position on the globe] is still within the area that MUST be evacuated."

Our science editor asks, "Is it just me or does it smell like The Onion in here?"