Presidential Job Opening (humor)

I ran across this old advertisement for the job of president ...

Job Opening

Position: President of the United States
Application date: July 1, 2008
Starting date: January 20, 2009

Duties

Occasional appearances at state functions as a meaningless figurehead

Preside over the destruction of the American middle class

Facilitate the continued export of industry and jobs to China

Accelerate the transformation of the U.S. into a fascist dictatorship

Sign legislation written by lobbyists, particularly from the health care and financial industries (IT CANNOT BE OVERSTATED THAT PROTECTION OF THE FINANCIAL INDUSTRY IS THE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY FOR THIS JOB)

Launch wars around the world, culminating in World War III in late 2012, which will guarantee candidate’s continued employment (candidate need not worry about this warmongering being perceived around the world as crimes against humanity; employer will ensure that the wars are portrayed as humanitarian missions; nobody will laugh)

Wage financial warfare against the rest of the world

Encircle Russia and China militarily (must be able to hypocritically criticize Russia’s and China’s faults with a straight face)

Required skills

Charismatic and able to hypnotize large audiences

Good vision in order to read teleprompter with minimal mistakes (impromptu speaking skills a minus)

Able to sound sincere while making promises, all the while knowing that you’ll be doing the exact opposite

Dissembling skills

Loyal to Israel

Hate America and especially its Constitution

Pluses

Constitutional scholar (“Professor of Constitutional Law” a big plus, even if untrue)

Ability to bungle oath of office while making it look innocently clumsy (employer will administer substitute oath in secret)

Nobel Peace Prize winner (in spite of war duties described above; extremely belligerent candidates will be rewarded with a second peace prize)

Bestselling author (even if someone else does candidate’s writing)

Excel at vacationing (employer will provide unlimited expense account for vacationing)

Admirer of Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette

A nobody or a foreign national, or preferably both (employer will create appealing facade for voters and spend millions if necessary to conceal any objectionable details of candidate’s past)

Narcissist (thick skin required to withstand derision from other world leaders)

Apply To

The Banksters
666 Wall Street
New York, NY 10001