WHEN DOGS WARN US

A TALKATIVE DOG

By Peter Fredson

July, 11th 2005

I often take an early morning walk around my block. There is a large house, about 4 doors down, with about 5 kids, a very noisy parrot, and a very large dog. I have to cross a graveled driveway and usually the gravels makes a slight bit of noise, probably not discernable to any human over a yard away. But, the dog seems have supersensitive hearing. And he lets people know that something may be going wrong. I can practically hear him as he barks his way through my walk.

“Hey. Hey. I heard something. Yes, I’m sure I heard something. I know I heard something. Listen, everybody, I heard something. Something is coming our way. Really, honest, listen up. I’m not kidding. I’m going to howl just to let you know this is really serious. Isn’t anybody listening? What’s wrong with you people? I’m telling you something is coming our way. Get outta bed, or off the couch and come outside, now, and look. Right now!”

“Oh, God, I caught a glimpse of him. If I could break this chain I’d go out and tear him limb from limb to protect us. I’m going to howl again. Yes, yes, I saw him or it. Someone get a stick. Someone come and help protect us. Anyone. Boy, I’m so mad I could bite that thing’s legs off. Now I’ll snarl and growl and let that thing know he’s getting too damn close. Too damn close I tell you. Somebody, for God’s sake, come outside and give me a hand. Won’t somebody come and help?
Help, help, help!”

“Oh, crap, he’s going around the front of the house now. I can’t see him anymore but he’s still there and heaven knows what he’s up to. He’s up to something I tell you, Somebody go out the door and club that thing. He’s going to eat all of you, going to finish you off, going to tear you up. Doesn’t anybody care what is going on here? Oh, crap, I heard him go past the house. Why is he going past the house? Don’t the neighbors know he’s going past their house? Don’t they know he is a danger to them, danger, danger, danger? Why doesn’t somebody pay attention to my warnings? Are you all deaf? Am I the only one who cares what happens to you? Why in the world must I have to howl?”

“Well, you are lucky this time. He just went down the block. I sure scared him silly. He’ll never come back here again. But if he does I’m still here to warn you. You are sure lucky I’m around to tell you these things. Oh, crap, I think I’ll go take a nap.”

But, that’s not the end. Due to advancing arthritis my son bought me a walking stick. Now I make light tapping sounds when walking. These sounds are not audible to most people. However that dog, with preternatural hearing, goes wild with barks, snarls, howls, yaps and assorted conversation telling the entire world that a new danger threatens the human race with extinction. He is very emphatic. It is his duty to warn civilized man of the coming advance of barbarism, of creeping evil, of weird and impossible acts of terror. There is no doubt that my cane is an advanced weapon compared with which the hydrogen bomb is only a toy. All of humanity is teetering on the edge of disaster. It’s howling time!

Well, time to take a nap.

P.S. For faithful readers who thought this was going to be a political parody - okay, it was.